A Sexy Open Letter to Sexy Adults Sending Sexy Emails

Seriously. Emails?

Fucking emails?

LITERALLY?

[And yes, I’m responding to the Petraeus Boondoggle.]

I want you to do me a favor. Stop writing your sexy email. Yes, I know you have it open in the next tab over — you’ve been marinating on it all day,  in between doing, you know actual work – grooming and squirming your mental eros into a nicely formatted 4000 word missive. Just stop, for like five seconds and do something for me.

I want you to look at the newspaper on your desk. Yes, I said the newspaper. I know you have a newspaper on your desk. You know how I know? It’ll become clear momentarily — for now just humor me. Okay, now look at the top of the newspaper. Do you see the date?

DOES IT SAY 1997?

What? It doesn’t? It says ‘2012’!?!

Well, heavens to Mergotroid! That’s a Flintstones reference, I’m trying to couch my humor in something you’ll understand, as clearly you have not been paying much attention to some major developments in technology, communication and internet horse-sense.

So before you press send on that Sexy Email — which you are probably sending while at work, on a computer owned and monitored by your soulless corporation of choice — I would like you to consider some Super Science Alternatives. [And one Classic.] All of these methods are much harder [if not impossible] to track, log and throw up on CNN for all of us to leer at.

SUPER SCIENCE ALTERNATIVE #1 : Google Chat

Or really any chat program ever existed. I mean, freaking Words With Friends has a chat feature — but I pick Google Chat because it has a handy ‘Go Off the Record’ option, that means the conversation will not be logged. Just think about it, you could have your sexy email time — like right away! All the time! It’s almost like there should be a word for this. Cyber-sexting? Inter-fucking? Come on, I’m trying to drag you people into the dial-up AOL era, get on board!

SUPER SCIENCE ALTERNATIVE #2 : Tumblr

Use this social network for what the kids use it for. Flirting and arranging hookups and fuck assignations. Here’s what you do — create an extra email account, then use that to create a tumblr profile. Have your paramour  do the same, and voila! Double bagged anonymity — with the added bonus of you can mark your blog as ‘Private’ and then send private messages to each other that are never published. If you start catching heat from the press — or you know, your wife or whatever — just delete the Tumblr profile and walk away.

JUST WALK AWAY.

And don’t be cute and make a tumblr name like penetraeus.tumblr.com — that’s just asking for trouble.

SUPER SCIENCE ALTERNATIVE #3:  Text Messages

I know you’re all thinking — but what about TIGER WOOOOODS?!?

Well, actually I congratulate you. Thank you for noticing something that happened in the world after the Olympics were in Atlanta.

Look, here’s the deal. As long as you have the good sense to delete the text messages saved in your phones regularly — most providers don’t log text communication more than 72 hours old. [If any nerds read this, check me  — this was with some very quick and dirty research into Text Message Subpeona laws. I wouldn’t want to lead these poor Sexy Emailers astray.]

And finally, the CLASSIC ALTERNATIVE: Write a letter.

Because, my reasonably sound suggestions aside, Sexy Emailers. Everything you write on the internet is there forever. If you type it on a computer, it is NEVER GONE.

NEVER. EVER. GONE.

I know you’re approaching your sex life with the same aplomb and discretion of a lemur discovering a pudding-dispensing Roomba — but please, as you slave over your Sexy Emails. Exercise a little common sense.

If you really want your written canoodling to go completely under the radar. Take a pen, write it on a sheet of physical paper and mail it to them.  They can destroy it after they read it, and your fierce passion can burn all the brighter in the flames of your words’ death.

So, short version:

STOP SENDING SEXY EMAILS. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

 

 

Judge the Book by its Cover

I am beyond excited….and more than a little terrified. I actually have an artist working  on the cover art for Spell/Sword.

Cyberman – Mike Groves [poopbird]

I insist that you click on this super-rad Cyberman art and check out some other examples of his work. He’s got a lot of style-flexibility, but everything he does is interesting, distinctive and [as mentioned] on the north side of Rad. We had a great brainstorming session last week, and I should start seeing sketches in the next couple of weeks. I almost wrote ‘barnstorming’. I really want to have a barnstorming session in the immediate future.

Mike Groves – aka Poopbird – is a phenomenal artist, living in my hometown of Athens, GA. You should follow all of the links below and rub your grimy internet-hands all over his virtua-product. He is also an amazing tattoo artist, so if you need some ink (especially nerd-ink) he’s the man to call.

Poopbird.com

Tumblr.

Deviantart.

I can’t wait to see what he comes up with — even though the anxiety-engine in my head is already revving up.  Cover art means we’re getting closer and closer to the book being real, and launched into the world where everyone will hate it.

But at least the cover is going to be boss.

The Pitch

An act of salesmanship is never an act of truth.

That’s not to say that it is a falsehood, or a pure fabrication. Certainly there are many who call themselves salesmen that deal in outright deceit, but they’re just liars. Plain ordinary liars.

No, salesmanship is all about awareness. Complete knowledge of the product: it’s particulars, benefits, problems, logistics and idiosyncrasies  and your most reliable perception of the character of your customer. Everything you say, everything you withhold is an attempt to calmly weave the product into the customer’s needs and desires. You concentrate on what you know about the product, and carefully present only the parts that you intuit will be attractive to your mark. You are creating a narrative, a workaday tale — a story with purpose. To make the sale. To win.

This is antithetical to the creation of art. An act of art should always be an act of truth. Individual truth — the opening of the inner eye and allowing the energy of your private whirlwind to express into your medium:something. Anything. As long as it’s true. Or real. Or important.

I’m still a ways from publishing Spell/Sword — but I’m already thinking about how I am going to sell it. The plan remains to self-publish, then grassroots my ass up the zeitgeist to something more than a blip. Financially and culturally. So I need to be able to sell the book. To other artists, to family, to friends, to total strangers, to people who love fantasy, to people who hate it, to people who never read. But every time I approach the problem in my head, I feel this enormous lassitude. It feels wrong.

In my day job, I am a salesman. I’m extremely good at it. But the key seems to be my total lack of concern. Apathy towards the product, and disinterest in actually making the sale. It allows you to be dispassionate and objective — truly focused on reading the situation and the customer. But with the book, where I’m hopelessly invested in the product and emotionally overwraught in the sale – it’s much more difficult.

It doesn’t help that I’m specifically trying to find my own little niche in the genre. It feels cheap to say “Oh, it’s just like ‘X’ and nothing like ‘Y’, and if you like ‘Z’ then buy, buy, buy!” But when I try to pitch it on its own terms, it just sounds hollow and uninteresting.

There’s a guy, and he has a sword. And there’s a girl and she’s got magic. They don’t like each other, then some shit happens and then they do. Also: hi-jinks.

I could do a laundry list of the random things in the book.

Electric-Eel Powered Jukebox. Prescience. Dwarven ghosts. Lesbian bards. Sweaty wyverns. Hangovers. Friendship. Mailboxes. A devil-spawned assassin. Fairy tales. Horse euthanasia. Wizard duels. Mysterious backstories. Prophetic dreams. Cheese. Plot-holes. Garden plots. Sorcerer bondage. Magic swords. An ogre with red boots. A blue fish. A white bridge. A first kiss. A last breath. Hyper-intelligent frogs with steam-powered roller skates. Banter.

Okay, I wound up kind of liking that one.  But still, the problem remains. All that sounds fun, but I don’t know how convincing it is. Part of me wants to sell the book the same way that I wrote it. Honestly, with great love and with no artifice. Well, maybe a teensy bit of artifice.

This is important. This is true. This book is real. It matters. Or at the very least, I need it to matter.

So, yeah. Buy it or whatever.

Oh, my. This question is in bold. On WordPress, that’s like a Tumblr post dissing Doctor Who — it demands a response. What do you look for on the back of the book, or in a sales pitch for a book, when you’re considering reading something from an unknown author?

Space Invaders

Where do ideas come from?

Certainly they can be built inside the human mind, but at least in my experience, they often come from elsewhere. The ether, if you will. Often when thinking of a character name, or a detail I just make a space in my head and let the idea pop in. I have total faith in these moments, even though I couldn’t explain the rationale if I had a gun to my head.

Admittedly, this may just be a justification for an unwillingness to slog. An idea presents itself, complete and shiny — why go through all the work of outlines and planning and research, just tune in the radio station and let it blare.

But, I am intrigued with the physical precense of ideas — that they could have an origin…and a purpose. With the past few stories I’ve been working on, I’m rolling around the concept of an Evil Idea. A malevolent entity that travels in the heads of mortals, infecting them like a virus. As weird as that piece was, I guess ‘The Option’ is a good enough name for my Big Bad as any.

This is a bit of a re-tread of Inception’s philosophical themes, the power of an idea — the immortality of an idea.  Same goes for the V for Vendetta memes flooding the internet yesterday, you can’t kill an idea. People live and die for ideas, the course of entire civilizations turn on one or two great ideas.

That sounds like a great villain to me.

Is this too esoteric to support some fiction? Just too weird? Thoughts? Can’t you see that this question is in bold?!?!?

Nomenclature

Look, I’m honestly excited that the popularity of HBO’s Game of Thrones has pushed this tale into pop culture. I really am. It’s exciting to watch new people discover the characters and the world — leavened with a small sense of superiority and anticipation watching them blunder into the many dark corridors of the narrative. I know everyone who’s read Storm of Swords is almost beside themselves watching the new flock go bleating into Season 3 of the show — we all can’t wait to see their reaction to certain nuptials around the corner.

So, this is not one of those — “GET OFF MY FANDOM, NEWBS” — sort of posts. It really isn’t. The more the merrier — it’s fun to see the norms talking about High Nerd Cant in the same breath that they discuss Taylor Swift and the NFL. And, the more people that are involved in the story — the more we spread the pain waiting for Winds of Winter and Dream of Spring, the final novels in the cycle. There’s something beautiful about all of mainstream America being just as involved in these stories as the rest of us nerds, and just as terrified at the possibility of GRRM never finishing them.

But.

She has dragons. Get her fucking name right.

But there’s this one thing.

This one fucking thing.

It’s something that only the new fans do. It’s a dead give-away that they’ve never read the books and it makes them look and sound fucking stupid.

So please, consider this a helpful tip. And stop fucking doing it immediately.

I first noticed this, during convention season — but now it’s everywhere as people post their Halloween pictures online. It’s always a picture of someone cosplaying Daenerys. But that’s not the thing. Dressing up as characters from GOT is awesome. That is seriously not the thing.

Admittedly, I’ve seen some rough-ass Daenerys costumes — but me being catty is not the thing.

This is the thing.

Whoever posts the picture will caption it as ” Jane Doe is dressed as Khaleesi!”

AS KHALEESI.

No. Wrong. Forever no.

Now…I know you’ve only seen the show. I know there’s a lot to keep track of. I know that the other characters call her Khaleesi about every five seconds. But that is Fuck-Balls Wrong.

‘Khaleesi’ is a title, you stupid motherfuckers. Dany was married to Khal Drogo — who is referred to several times as THE Khal of his khalasar.  ‘Khal’ roughly translates to ‘chief’ or ‘leader’ or ‘king’. When Dany marries him, she becomes THE Khaleesi.

So, when you say you are dressed ‘as Khaleesi’ — it’s like you dressed up as Queen Victoria, and then posted a pic with caption “I dressed up as Queen! Next week, I’m dressing up as Mailman! Maybe I’ll do Dog, or Armchair the week after that!!!”

Khaleesi is not her name.

Her name is Daenerys Targaryen. Mother of Dragons. Daenerys Fucking Stormborn.

She takes proper nouns very seriously.

I mean, she has like eighteen names — couldn’t you use one of the correct ones?

I love that character. And since you went to all the trouble to dress up like her – I’m going to assume you love her to.

Get it right.

She is the Prince Who Was Promised, Azor Azai, and she is the blood of the dragon.

You’ll know what all that means when you read the books.

But until then.

Fucking get her name right.

Throw Up My Skirts

A recurring complaint from my Alpha Readers — and now one of my Beta Readers, is that I don’t tell them enough. They want more details about the world, more about the history of the characters.

I have two main characters, and I sort of summarily dump them into the plot together. They both have Dark Pasts and Important Backstories [tm], but…and this is the crux, their backstory doesn’t have anything to do with the plot du jour.  The amorphous goals that I am moving Spell/Sword towards are pace, energy, and involvement. I don’t want to put any woolgathering or world history navel gazing — just accept the tropes and characters as presented, and show me a little trust.   Epic fantasy tends to frontload all of the exposition and world detail, I just want the reader to strap in and go along for the ride. This is episodic structure, not an epic trilogy.

A good example of this would be the pilot episode of Firefly. Admittedly, not a perfect example — that’s a vast ensemble. You’re only shown enough about the world and the character to serve the plot of the episode.

Okay, it’s in space. Mal was in a battle, his side lost. Okay, time passed. Oh, it’s the Civil War. I get it. Hmmm, Asian influences have become culturally dominant. Evil Empire, band of mercenaries and thieves. Okay, Mal’s a rogue with a conscience, Zoe’s a devoted soldier, Wash is comic-relief — oh hey, he and Zoe are married. Jane’s a thug, Kaylee’s an innocent mechanic, Inara’s a diplomatic courtesan, Book’s a priest, Simon is a rich kid doctor on the run, and River’s nuts. Oh, she’s super powerful/insane/government project — the empire is going to hunt her the entire show, hook set for the arc of the first season. Ooh, Reapers are nasty. 

You don’t get the description of every major location in the ‘Verse. You don’t learn anything about the actual setup of the Alliance government, or the name of it’s ruling body. You don’t know how Mal got from being a defeated solider to captain of Serenity, you don’t know anything about Zoe and Wash’s courtship. Book has about eighteen arrows pointing towards him that say MYSTERIOUS SECRET — but, none of that resolves in the first episode. Whedon throws all these tropes into a ship, lets them rattle around a little, then unmasks the sleeper agent who tries to capture River. The character and world exposition always takes a backseat to the action of each scene — and more importantly, the character relationships. The family dynamic of the crew and the budding connections between the new passengers — and their reaction to the imminent danger at hand is what makes that episode work.

We all know right off the bat that Book used to be an assassin. That’s a trope, the holy man who put down the sword. It appears again and again. Whedon could have spent 10 minutes explaining about the Alliance Death Squad and their memorable exploits, but that’s now what makes a work of fiction interesting or memorable. What makes Book more than a trope is his relationships — his seeking out of wisdom from Inara, his antagonistic mentoring of Mal, his almost paternal relationship with Jane.

That’s how I’m trying to view this first book. It’s the first episode. Here’s my wacky duo, here’s their powers, here’s a little sniff of their past, here’s some action, here’s some villains, here’s some crazy, there’s some weird, and hey, book’s over.

One of my favorite episodic novels. The Dresden Files is a good example. I almost stopped reading after the first one, because so many pages were devoted to explaining exactly who Harry was, the various supernatural forces around Chicago, how magic worked, how making potions worked, the backstory of his cat, the backstory of his car,etc. etc. — only when I picked up book two, and all of those details were read did the kick-assery truly begin.

So — to sum up. My goal is to write my very first book and have it be just as good as Firefly and Book Two of The Dresden Files. And I’m going to self-publish. And this doesn’t sound very likely does it?

I have been listening to my Alpha Readers — there was a significant increase/clarification of world and character information in the Beta Draft. But, there’s got to be a line. There is an argument to be made that leaving my readers wanting to know more is a good thing — but I’m a little terrified of leaving them annoyed, instead of motivated.

I am courting my readers, dammit. And I’m just not the sort of girl to throw up my skirts on the first date.

Ultimately, I’m in the weird position of being beholden to no one as a self-publisher. I don’t have an agent or a publishing house demanding that I add more romantic tension between the main characters, or insisting that I cut out the Steam-Skating Frogs as nonsensical. But I also don’t have the advantage of their experience either. I can write it however I want, and no one can stop me from spending a few days on Amazon putting it into print.

Man, it must be relaxing to have an editor.

I’m just starting to get weary of eighteenth-guessing everything in the book. I have a legitimate fear of totally abandoning my own judgement and just cramming in every possible thing into the book that anyone could ever want to see. And winding up with a big ungainly, craven mess. OR not doing that, and putting out an austere, confusing desert.

On Witches

Alleb – Robot Pencil/Anthony Jones

“a Witch is born out of the true hungers of her time (…) I am a child of the poisonous wind that copulated with the River on an oil-slick, garbage infested midnight. I turn about on my own parentage. I inoculate against those very biles that brought me to light. I am a serum born of venoms. I am the antibody of all Time.”

 Long After Midnight, Ray Bradbury

 

Doesn’t that just make you sick? I have a witch in Spell/Sword, and several of my early readers have asked ‘What’s the deal with this witch?’. I’ve tried several times to explain with rambling and halting description. Then I came across this quote on Tumblr — perfectly summed it up. Freaking Bradbury.

 

Spackle

Mr. Poirot is unimpressed with my narrative structure.

Okay — finished with all of the individual edits from my reporting Alpha readers. I wrote some new stuff, cut a bunch of stuff [mostly chintzy dialogue] that wasn’t working.

Now it’s time to see how the spackle dries.

Now to read the whole book with subtractions and deletions to see how it holds together — I think I’ll record it again, and listen to it while I edit further, that was super helpful the first time around.

Too Much Pepper in the Soup

How much detail is too much? I’m trying to flesh out some sections of Spell/Sword with some more detail, world description, etc. – but I never want it to weigh down the forward momentum. Got to just dab a sentence here, a short paragraph there — keep it lean, but still reward the readers who want more information about the world.

Good problem to have. Tough problem to solve.