With friends like these…

Two more of my Alpha Readers gave me their criticism on the book, and I’m still picking the shrapnel out of my ego. I picked my first readers well — they’re good enough friends to call me on my shit. And called it was indeed. INDEED.

Beyond the psyche-bruising, all this feedback is making me really excited to get back to work on editing. So far, all of my readers have overall enjoyed the book — and the problems they’ve called my attention to are concrete. Maybe not easy to fix — but definitely doable. I can see multiple ways to change things to evade their criticism, but I’m going to let all of it settle a while longer. I’m still waiting on feedback from a third of my readers, and I don’t want to over-react to the first criticism I’ve received.

Admittedly, a fair amount of the criticism are ‘no-argument’ types. Grammar flubs, word repetition, confusing passages, jokes that didn’t work, etc. Those will be fixed — -it’s the things that deal more with overall structure and style that I’ll need to carefully ruminate on.

Sorry I can’t be more specific yet! Still drafts out in the wild.

Alpha Readers Responding: 4 out of 12

Putt-Putt Potential

Two lines, drawn by mortal hand

drawn on a globe must perforce

intersect. No careful ink or

edge of steel can avoid this

casual truth, the imperfect

always converges.

 

So it was, and so it will be on

the street of elms, the street of

circumstance. Two forces,

winds of a bifurcate purpose

did meet in a way most spectacular

and strange.

 

A frog, a simple amphibian, making

its way from pond to leaf, unaware

and gullet full of river-minnow.

And a car, a humming mountain

of steel and motion.

 

In a pond, most plain

on the edge of a green field, filled o’er

with garish faces and spinning wheels,

and the quiet clink of metal against

white balls, slapping their way

down their predestined course.

 

The car jumped the curve, as the

frog jumped the leaf.

A collision most strange, even

though unremarked by most.

 

For the frog did not die, yet was spun

into the heavens by a black wheel

and came to rest on the gleaming

crimson hood of the car

goggle-eye staring into blank stare

of its pilot.

 

The frog and the man did not exchange

names, or titles or the

memories of the quiet little lives.

 

They both hopped away,  thankful

for their lives

and hopeful that their lines

would never again

intersect.

 

[Story on Demand for Jackie Jones. This is a weird one.]

I am super clever.

towngownplayers's avatarTown and Gown Players

I have to write a review. I am writing it now. A review for the Town & Gown Blog, that is where this review will be posted.

Writing a review of a show about people writing a show. So should I write  a review of my own review of the show about people writing a show?

Perhaps I must.

So far, this review is not very good. It seems very recursive, and poorly structured. Also, there’s no actual information about Town & Gown’s production of [title of show] — which is unfortunate, because it’s quite good. [Much better than this review, that’s for certain.]

Man, I just don’t have much to say in this paragraph.

I should probably mention the solid direction by Melissa Darnell, but it seems too early in the review. Shouldn’t I be mentioning the excellent music and singers – – shouldn’t I be mentioning the clever…

View original post 280 more words

Back of the Book

boy/girl

squire/mage

comedy/tragedy

hero/villain

beginning/end

murderer/guardian

madman/sage

friend/slave

true/false

hunter/prey

jonas/rime

spell/sword

witch/is which?

[Just playing around with some text – potentially for the back cover of Spell/Sword. As a young nerdling I used to spend quite a lot of time in bookstores and libraries.  I’d spend hours reading the inner jacket, and the back of every book — deciding if it was what I wanted to read next. In bookstores most of all, five bucks for a new paperback was a serious investment. Of course, I immediately became a critic. I was flabbergasted at how many ‘back cover summaries’ were totally misleading, and were clearly written without the author’s knowledge. I was still a little too young to understand about marketing, publishing, etc.

But I vowed, that when I wrote MY book, then I would make sure I didn’t have a crappy summary on the back cover. And since I’m self-publishing, I can have whatever wacky text I want.]

 

Look what I found!

I was woolgathering on the way to work today, when The Beatles’ Daytripper came on the radio. [Yes, the radio – and YES, the oldies station.]  I started thinking about a character that I created for a friend’s Super Hero campaign a few years ago — a young time controller named Marley Burch, who named his alter ego after the song.

Then it hit me. Didn’t I start a story about that guy and never finish it?

It took a little digging on my computer, but I found it! It’s totally a WiP relic — the beginning of the first chapter, with no ending. It just kinds of peters out. You’ll also notice some odd numbers at the beginning of each story beat — mad bonus points if you can figure out what I was getting at. Trust me, it took me more than a few minutes to remember. Then I shook my head and said aloud “You are a goddamn nerd, sir.”

For historic purposes, I’m dumping this on the blog – UNEDITED.  There are several typos and I would dearly like to give it a serious edit, but for now here it is, in all it’s unabashed glory.

Anyone playing the home game — I wrote this in January of 2010, about 8 months before Lodestar began. If this blog is partly a travelogue of my adventures in writing, then this is an example of the first time I went camping — then got scared at 2 AM and ran back home.

TC: 11-17-1984-1615-32                            E:14-9-3-6-5-46

Marley was ahead.

The blue water finned off his hands like a tidal wave. He cut through the chlorinated sea, arms dolphin-ing.  As he reached the far wall, he flipped lazily, catching a quick glance at his opponents. He stopped, and waved at the coach on the far end of the pool. The rest of the team were thrashing mightily between the ropes to catch up with him.

They weren’t even halfway across the pool. Chumps.

Sucking in a lung-exploding amount of air, he kicked off from the side. Marley grinned. He was about to make this Olympic-sized pool seem small. Out of nowhere, the last song he heard on the radio popped in his head. I’ve got my back against the record machine / I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen. / Oh can’t you see what I mean?

Water rushed past his goggles, and he reached for more.

TC: 11-17-1984-1616-51                            E:14-9-3-6-5-48

Marley flung himself out of the pool, and spun around. He had gained even more distance on the other swimmers.

“Ha, ha…c’mon…really? Did you guys shit bricks in your trunks?” he said respectfully.

Marley prepared himself to do the Turtle Dance. His teammates hated the Turtle Dance. As did Coach Hendricks, his parents, his teachers, and basically anyone who wasn’t Marley.

Laying chest down on the dripping poolside, he began to move his hands in a flipper like manner. Pushing gently with his toes he moved, slowly, towards the edge of the pool. As the other swimmers popped up at the end of their lanes they were met by a goddamned annoying sight. Marley had flipped his goggles inside out, and was wobbling his head back and forth.

“Awwww….so…..slow…..” Marley began, “…do….you want to …DANCE…with me?”

Rising, he began to wave his flippers in a stately manner.

The response was mixed. The upper classmen rolled their eyes and headed for the showers. The two other freshmen on the team snickered behind their hands. But they left speedily once the chanting began.

“Tur-tul-DANCE. Tur-tul-DANCE. Tur-tul-DANCE!” Marley intoned. His flippers waggled in time to the beat.

He turned to watch his teammates [a.k.a. the losers] walk off to the shower. He saw Coach Hendricks approach, rubbing his forehead. The coach was a younger sort of teacher, no grey hair yet in his close-cropped sandy hair or in his mustache. Marley hoped to create the first.

“Tur-tul-DANCE?” he queried.

Coach Hendricks sighed.

Marley Burch was the star of the Kingscross High swim team. Only a freshman, he was shattering school records right and left, and was making the Coach’s dreams of winning state jack-knife in his head. But this kid is so goddamned annoying, the coach thought.

Marley pushed his goggles back on his head. His yellow-blonde hair was turning vaguely green on the ends from over-exposure to chlorine. He knew that look on the coach’s tanned face.  A lecture was coagulating. He stared intensely at the coach’s mustache.  If he concentrated hard enough on the mustache, the worst of the lecture would probably spill over him.

“Marley, you ‘ve got to stop parading around every time you win a race. And that was the sloppiest flip-turn I’ve ever seen! It’s bad sportsmanship and really low class. I’m surprised the older boys haven’t worked you over in the locker room the way you carry on! You’re short and 110 pounds soaking wet, don’t you see that I….”

 

TC: 11-17-1984-1626-01                            E:14-9-3-6-11-17

..wear my sunglasses at night. I wear my sunglasses at night, I wear my sunglasses at night. I said to you now: I wear my sunglasses at night.

“MARLEY!” Coach Hendricks roared.

Marley snapped to attention. “Yes, sir coach – I’ll work harder on my backstroke, and eat four oranges every night before bed, you got it!”

A moment of silence gaped opened like the maw of a crocodile.

Marley saluted.

Coach Hendricks ran a hand down his face. Finger shaking, he pointed towards the locker room.

Marley skipped away, humming. His ability to block out useless yammering was approaching Jedi-like levels. Excellent. He couldn’t remember much of what Coach said, but it was really better that way.

 

TC: 11-17-1984-1658-19                            E:14-9-3-6-43-35

Marley slid into the passenger seat of his dad’s Volkswagen. The Wabbit had a pleasant leathery, grimy smell that patted him on the head every time he got in. He carefully pocketed the blood-stained paper towel. Fortunately, his nose had stopped bleeding moments before his dad had pulled into the natatorium parking lot. He hated unnecessary questions.

“But whyyyyyyyyy? “ the small female in the backseat whined. Marley sighed.

“Jennifer. Hush, you’ve been complaining for blocks. I am not allowing you to go to a spend-the-night party with your grades in the toilet! That is final. I have spoken. So let it be written, so let it be DONE.” said Marley’s dad. His eyes remained fixed on the road.

Marley rolled his eyes, and turned to catch his sister’s eye through the narrow space between the seats. Ask mom, he mouthed.

Jennifer nodded in understanding, but still flounced further into the back seat – a scowl etched.

Ensuring a modicum of peace for the ride home, Marley shifted his gaze to the passenger window. Without moving his eyes, he reached across the console and turned the radio up. His dad registered the movement with his eyebrows, but did nothing to stop him.

They headed down to, ooh, to El Paso. That’s where they ran into a great big hassle. Billy Joe shot a man while robbing his castle…

TC: 11-17-1984-1702-04                            E:14-9-3-6-43-56

Why did his Dad never look at him while they were in the car? Fortunately, he could pass off his red-face as a reaction to the cold, and not from the knuckle-sandwich he’d just eaten. But still.  Marley thoughtfully began drumming on the dashboard.

“Stop that.”, his Dad said.

TC: 11-17-1984-1708-49                            E:14-9-3-6-49-33

..in Baltimore, jack. I went out for a ride and I never went back. Like a river that don’t know where it’s flowing. I took a wrong turn and I just kept going…

TC: 11-17-1984-1717-32                            E:14-9-3-6-55-46

As the Wabbit pulled into the driveway, Marley’s nose started bleeding again.

TC: 11-17-1984-1719-11                            E:14-9-3-6-56-48

The carpet of the hall was a muted beige.

The Quiet Prince’s Contract

I need a vessel. A mortal form to hold my power and my mind, to allow me to influence and shape your world. Those are the rules, and unlike that rapscallion Fairchild, that means something to me.

They must be willing, and accept me into their mind. I would prefer someone attractive.

The host’s mind will be shut away while I walk the world. A strong mind will survive, and be improved by our time together. A weak mind will most certainly go insane. I promise to leave the vessel as soon as Fairchild is defeated.

I cannot guarantee their safety. We are at war, and I do not know the future.

When you are ready, have them go to sleep with a fresh, red apple in their hands. That is the sign that the deal is struck.

In return, I will use my considerable power and knowledge to help you defeat my tawdry brother. My armies will rise and march against his. And when the war is over, and I am King of Hell Entire — then all within my power will leave this place until the death of Talitha’s grandchildren. Two generations free from devils and demons, both.

Not an inconsiderable payment.

If you betray me, you will have many long eternities to wish that you hadn’t.

Delay too long, and you begin to smell of betrayal.

I know you have a certain appointment to keep, a moonlit stroll through the Sarmadi sands. It would be most unfortunate if you were to miss your rendezvous.

Dally not. – Time is the cruelest enemy.

The Only Ink

“You don’t know me.” Quintus stood up. “You question my worth, and you question my devotion — and when I challenge you, you fuss like a barnyard rooster.”

The duelist stalked a few paces away in a cold fury.

“Fine. If words are what you want. If words will make you believe that I am ‘worthy’ of your trust, of your grand ideals — then hear me. I will die for Simon Garamonde. I will kill for Simon Garamonde. This entire world could burn and go gray with ash, and if he could walk free and unspoiled I would consider it a worthy trade. Every moment that his heart is under a devil’s hand, mine breaks anew. There.”

Quintus face looked down on the sleeping gnome with utter contempt.

“Is that acceptable, librarian? Now that I have used your precious words, is my pain – my love more real? Can you feel it now? Are my words true — am I worthy? Words are air, my heart is full of blood and steel. Those are the only ink worth writing with. Now speak.”

Man-Horse

The first responses from my Alpha Draft readers are trickling in — mostly positive, but with a stern helping of jack-booted constructive criticism.  I’ve already said “Well, here’s what I was going for — but oh god, you’re right. You’re absolutely right. I AM FILTH.” about seventeen times, and I’ve only heard from two readers.

I’d like to be more specific, but there’s still a lot of Alpha Drafts out there in the wild — and Science is my watchword on this process. I don’t want to pollute the other readers, gotta keep the sample clean. If I say that my readers are having problems with that centaur poetry in Chapter 11, then it’s sure to make all the other readers gaze at my sensual equine haiku with a more critical eye.

Just let yourself feel it. The rhythm, the majesty.

That’s all I ask.