Is that…a Walther PPK made of Valyrian Steel?



Okay, let me explain. If you get the reference, just go with me on this.

I enjoyed the newest installment in the hoary James Bond franchise quite a lot. Skyfall is a moody, textured look at the character and icon of 007 — personally I found it a perfect addition to Daniel Craig’s tenure as the character. I’ve heard varying reports about whether or not this will be his last film as “dude’s old”. But if this is his final performance as Bond, this is a perfect way to go out. Exploring the last part of the hero’s career, and a true brush with mortality and frailty.

But I there’s one thing that is revealed, that concerns me.

Spoilers henceforth.

One of my favorite sections of the movie is the final act.  Bond retreats to the moors of Scotland, and we get a glimpse of his childhood — something never shown previously in any other film. [Not even the wacky-ass original Casino Royale.] There was something primal about him returning to his ancestral manse, on his noble steed [the Aston Martin!]. Some serious low-tech battle prep — followed by the usual helicopter explosions, high kill count, brutal kicks to the face and a knife fight [of sorts] — all the action required for the end of a Bond film.

It wasn’t until the second time that I watched the movie, that I noticed something.



Right there, on the top of the gate leading to Bond’s family home.

A stag.

This can only mean one thing.

James Bond is a Baratheon.

I…I…don’t know how I feel about this.

This changes everything.

For the uninitiated, House Baratheon is from George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire, currently more popularly known through the HBO series, Game of Thrones. 

I don’t know how I feel, because the Baratheons are all, well… kind of dicks. [Or all kinds of dicks? How does that phrase work?]

Robert Baratheon: whoremongering drunk. Renly Baratheon: pompous fancy-lad. Stannis Baratheon: pompous grumpy-dad.

Not the most august of families — even acknowledging the political power they hold throughout the narrative. Does super-cool, badass James Bond really belong in this family?

Well….maybe, maybe not. But I do think their House words fit him to a tee.



Maybe I can get on board with this.

But if in the next Die Hard movie, it turns out that John McClaine is a Stark, Targaryen or Green-Apple Fossoway, I’m done.



Look, I’m honestly excited that the popularity of HBO’s Game of Thrones has pushed this tale into pop culture. I really am. It’s exciting to watch new people discover the characters and the world — leavened with a small sense of superiority and anticipation watching them blunder into the many dark corridors of the narrative. I know everyone who’s read Storm of Swords is almost beside themselves watching the new flock go bleating into Season 3 of the show — we all can’t wait to see their reaction to certain nuptials around the corner.

So, this is not one of those — “GET OFF MY FANDOM, NEWBS” — sort of posts. It really isn’t. The more the merrier — it’s fun to see the norms talking about High Nerd Cant in the same breath that they discuss Taylor Swift and the NFL. And, the more people that are involved in the story — the more we spread the pain waiting for Winds of Winter and Dream of Spring, the final novels in the cycle. There’s something beautiful about all of mainstream America being just as involved in these stories as the rest of us nerds, and just as terrified at the possibility of GRRM never finishing them.


She has dragons. Get her fucking name right.

But there’s this one thing.

This one fucking thing.

It’s something that only the new fans do. It’s a dead give-away that they’ve never read the books and it makes them look and sound fucking stupid.

So please, consider this a helpful tip. And stop fucking doing it immediately.

I first noticed this, during convention season — but now it’s everywhere as people post their Halloween pictures online. It’s always a picture of someone cosplaying Daenerys. But that’s not the thing. Dressing up as characters from GOT is awesome. That is seriously not the thing.

Admittedly, I’ve seen some rough-ass Daenerys costumes — but me being catty is not the thing.

This is the thing.

Whoever posts the picture will caption it as ” Jane Doe is dressed as Khaleesi!”


No. Wrong. Forever no.

Now…I know you’ve only seen the show. I know there’s a lot to keep track of. I know that the other characters call her Khaleesi about every five seconds. But that is Fuck-Balls Wrong.

‘Khaleesi’ is a title, you stupid motherfuckers. Dany was married to Khal Drogo — who is referred to several times as THE Khal of his khalasar.  ‘Khal’ roughly translates to ‘chief’ or ‘leader’ or ‘king’. When Dany marries him, she becomes THE Khaleesi.

So, when you say you are dressed ‘as Khaleesi’ — it’s like you dressed up as Queen Victoria, and then posted a pic with caption “I dressed up as Queen! Next week, I’m dressing up as Mailman! Maybe I’ll do Dog, or Armchair the week after that!!!”

Khaleesi is not her name.

Her name is Daenerys Targaryen. Mother of Dragons. Daenerys Fucking Stormborn.

She takes proper nouns very seriously.

I mean, she has like eighteen names — couldn’t you use one of the correct ones?

I love that character. And since you went to all the trouble to dress up like her – I’m going to assume you love her to.

Get it right.

She is the Prince Who Was Promised, Azor Azai, and she is the blood of the dragon.

You’ll know what all that means when you read the books.

But until then.

Fucking get her name right.