[ I’m entering into the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, for my chance at fortune and glory. I’m frantically making some reckless edits to the manuscript and getting it ready to upload, but the hardest part has been the 300 word Pitch that I have to include. I gave up trying to write a respectable pitch a few hours ago, what do you think of this one? Comments and suggestions are very much solicited, but on the hustle people! I’ve got to get this thing submitted before the entry window closes. Would you want to read this book if you read the description below on Amazon.com?]
Two lonely kids learn that they can be friends. That they are better together than apart. Isn’t that what all great tales are really about?
Oh, you need some sizzle do you?
There are wizards in this book. And a witch. And swords. And a minotaur, and frogs on roller skates, and bad dwarven singing. And a dinosaur. And a girl and a boy. Loss and death and sorrow and joy. A couple of kick-ass fight scenes and some witty banter.
What, you need more than that? That’s all fourteen-year-old-me would have needed.
An airship explodes. A giant robot disrupts the sale of a garish urn. The concept of a box social is thoroughly interrogated.
The Magic Wild burns and the White Sword bites and the Gray Witch laughs.
An assassin. A seer. A knight. A squire. A coward. A girl with the power of sun and winter and death held lightly in her hands.
An improbable mailbox. Poor dental hygiene. Hangovers.
And friendship. That’s what it’s really about.
Rime is the girl, a wild mage. She can bend the very fabric of reality, but at a cost – a cost to her health and her sanity. Her power is unstoppable but it leaves her empty, weak, and often unconscious. Jonas is the boy, a squire on the run – running away from the shadow of murder. They travel together to find the one person that can save Rime from the wild magic, from the inexorable madness and death that comes to those who are born to ignore the rules of the universe. The Gray Witch of the Wheelbrake Marsh, a creature out of a fairy tale.
The anti-epic fantasy, the nascent genre of Swordpunk: Fantasy Action A La Carte. Earnestly written in the shadow of Lieber and Moorcock.
[It’s actually only 299 words, so if you see where I can squeeze in one more, I’d love to hear it.]
spell-sword.com 
I’d buy it!
Meet me behind the Kroger at midnight, bring cash.
300 of those words is too many, in my humble opinion. As soon as I read this:
“Rime is the girl, a wild mage. She can bend the very fabric of reality, but at a cost – a cost to her health and her sanity. Her power is unstoppable but it leaves her empty, weak, and often unconscious. Jonas is the boy, a squire on the run – running away from the shadow of murder. They travel together to find the one person that can save Rime from the wild magic, from the inexorable madness and death that comes to those who are born to ignore the rules of the universe. The Gray Witch of the Wheelbrake Marsh, a creature out of a fairy tale.”
I wanted to read it. Cut all the other stuff. It is just you clearing your throat. The above paragraph is the story. I’d read it.
I meant, most of those 300 words is too many…
Oh – and good luck! Would love to see your name and book up there in big, bright, internet lights! 🙂
Fingers crossed!
The first 3 lines are a little clunky- the rest, really well done! Good luck!
Agree with tmso. I also like the “An assassin. A seer. A knight. A squire. A coward. A girl with the power of sun and winter and death held lightly in her hands…” bit… and the part about swordpunk being a nascent genre. The rest is clever and funny… but I suspect the people picking do in fact need more than the 14-year-old you did… they are looking for a product. Sell the shit out of this. Choose your favorite 5 things from your list of tantilizing elements (dinosaur, frogs on roller skates, hangovers, etc.) and crop it down. Maybe throw in some more about the order hunting them and that side of the story. The part about friendship (Two lonely kids learn that they can be friends. That they are better together than apart. Isn’t that what all great tales are really about?)- maybe thats your closer? Be bold. Be clever. But be direct.
Oh yeah… and make sure to include your website in your contact info!
All good notes, thanks!
All you need are explosive crossbows on ATVs. Wow, spunky and youthful, I want to read this. My pitch leaned more in the classical direction.
Got to save something for the sequel!