The Fourth Wall Diner

Haskeer stepped through the steel door, and onto cracked linoleum. Red blaze of neon filtered through glass windows onto a crowded diner. The booths were crammed with humans laughing and talking. A long glass display case bisected the room, filled to the brim with faded toys and garish errata – twin rows of wide black booths down either side, with a long counter in the very back of the diner. A tall stool with a red-leather seat at the counter  seemed to beckon, and the paladin moved towards it.

The humans seated at the booths were dressed strangely, somehow too simple and too elaborate — as if they were dressed both for work in the fields, and a journey across the tundra of the Northlands.. They paid little attention to his passing, or his gleaming silver armor.

A blonde man with a square jaw, sat with a baby in his lap – their eyes both wide and blue. A blonde woman at his side wiped the child’s face with a damp napkin and a certain elan. On the opposite side another couple, a man with a preposterous mustache fork-deep into a plate of fried potatoes and a dark-haired woman with a beautiful smile. The dark-haired woman was pregnant, and the man and his mustache nearly vibrated with concern and pride,  each motion of his hands a prayer.

Two young men sat hip to hip in a booth, poring over a stack of brightly colored pages. They argued bitterly jabbing the page with pointed fingers, and gesticulating wildly as their argument crested into a familiar plateau. Across from them a woman rolled her eyes with exasperation, spreading cream cheese on a grilled bagel.

In the corner of the diner was a jukebox, glowing green and yellow. A man with glasses and a ponytail leaned against it, making a selection – his head bobbing unconsciously to the song already spooling through the air.

Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a brighter summer day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?

A tall, gangly man stumbled through the door behind Haskeer, and moved to the jukebox — hands already spread in mute apology.

In a back booth, three men sat hunched close together. A pile of tiny figures were arrayed on the table before them – small soldiers, goblins, knights, even a fierce looking black dragon. The tallest and shortest examined each figure with animated fixation, while the third stared at something glowing in his hand with boredom. A large man with a fierce tattoo of a squid-demon stumped over and flopped down a large sketchbook. Haskeer caught a glimpse of men and women holding swords of fire.

There were others in the diner, every seat was full. A curly-haired man stuffing lemon after lemon into his water, a thin man with his hands steepled, a balding man laughing and pointing across the restaurant. The faces began to run together as the paladin moved forward, his steel boots clanking on the floor.

Haskeer sat down at the counter, his back to the rest of the diner patrons. A warm fog of steam billowed out of the kitchen, accompanied by the wonderful smells of fried potato and seared meat. A man approached, pulling a well-worn jotter out of his pocket and the nub of a pencil. He wore thick spectacles, and a thick mop of hair pushed up into a white paper cap.

The man greeted the paladin, barely looking up from his notepad.

“Sup, Big Green. What’ll you have?”

Nerd/Aesthete convergence.

I’m in a production of Shakespeare’s Comedy of Errors, and a friend came to see the show last night. Here is the wonderfully arcane series of texts we traded. Warning: These jokes require a clear memory of the game Bioshock, as well as serious familiarity with the Bard’s text. In other words, this will be funny to no one.

Josh: I’m seeing a definite Bioshock influence in the Comedy of Errors set .Deliberate or unintentional.

Me: Sadly unintended.

Me: No gods or kings!

Josh: Is Antipholus not entitled to the sweat of his own brow?

Me: Antipholus chooses, but Dromio obeys.

Josh: Haha. Well played, sir.

Yes, we are freakish nerds. We also made jokes about sandwiches made by Determinism.  Envy us.

Guest Bloggery – Town and Gown Players

I wrote an article for my theatre’s new blog — I think the plan is for me to do so every couple of weeks. At least until the mob with torches and pitch coalesce.

Out theatre is a big family, so most of the jokes won’t read — but if you’re a fan of theatre, you may find a chuckle.

Town and Gown Players – Pupate

I promise to actually write something for THIS blog in the near future, assuming this train quits chasing me down while I’m still laying rail.

Shakespeare 2012

[I don’t normally include the explanation at the top — but this one is a doozy. This idea was submitted on Facebook by Allen.]

“Othello is running for reelection. Henry V is the GOP nominee. They wait in the green room to begin a televised debate when, suddenly, a young woman collapses of stroke. who is she? Two paramedics arrive as the scene opens.”

 

Enter two paramedics.

JARVIS

Summoned we have been, to the house

of light and sound – the television studio

where all visions fantastical

leap o’er the air to the shining

squares in each and every good man’s

noble den, couch-front and shining.

 

BERNARD

What is the sport? What

dire sickness or mortal wound

summons our white chariot

red lights flashing like

the red eye of Jove himself?

 

JARVIS

I know not, friend  —-

but I see presently a stout porter comes

henceforth to lead us to our

duty and sacred charge.

 

A television producer enters, bearing a clipboard.

GLENDA

Ah, medics — at last you arrive

fast as Hermes’ to your duty

and sacred charge — well met!

 

JARVIS

What sickness or ill calls us to this place?

Speak quick — swift action is the blessing of all

who ail and require our skill and succor.

 

GLENDA

Come hence.

 

The three discover HENRY V, one time King of England and France — and OTHELLO, a moor. They crouch over the still form of a young woman. The paramedics rush to the woman’s side and begin tending to her.

GLENDA

Honored nobles, please come away and

allow these men to fulfill their charge.

The people of America wait for you to speak

and fill their hearts with the message of

your glory, vouchsafe the country’s goals

and seize the crown imperial through

this televised debate — the time of choosing

is nigh — we must begin this play of words

‘ere more sands fall through the hourglass.

 

OTHELLO

Jupiter and blessed Pallas Athene!

I do pray this young girl can be

returned to full health and vital

how strange that she should fall

ill here, and swoon into the bosom

of foul sleep ‘ere she could

speak her dire message.

 

HENRY

Uh huh.

 

OTHELLO

What means this, friend Hal?

I know we disagree most bitterly

on the course and tack of this country’s ship.

But surely you do not suggest that I—

 

HENRY

Look, buster. I think we all know about you  and the ladies.

 

OTHELLO

Your words are dross, instead of true-gold.

How can you speak with the split tongue

of a garter snake — here on the cusp of our debate?

To take this poor woman’s fate and twist it to

suit your minstrel-song and mechanical-pander.

 

HENRY

Or should I say…..girls?

 

OTHELLO

Listen here, you mealy mouthed motherfucker —

 

JARVIS

Hark! She breathes, the flame of life

still burns within her mortal frame.

Our duty and sacred charge has been

well served here this day, this time

of legends!

 

The woman rises and approaches the two candidates.

WOMAN

Look upon my face and know despair

twenty fathoms deep your heart thrown

in iron shackles beneath the blue-green

waves of Poseidon’s kingdom.

 

OTHELLO

O, horror!

 

HENRY.

Fuck.

 

WOMAN

I served your purpose, and served your lust–

a chattel born to the lash is better served

by a quarry’s cruel labor then I was served

by you two princes of the earth.

To take a poor widow, kept in a house

with madmen and waggle-doctors —

to make me scribe your words,

plan your campaign, even pick

out the color of your tie.

Neither of you have half the manhood that I can claim.

you are bitter, empty things — gourds full of sound and air.

And now, here on the edge of your greatest glory

I come— I come to strike you down

 

GLENDA

Who are you, strange woman?

 

HENRY

Look — could you not — shit.

 

OTHELLO falls on his sword. No one notices.

 

LADY MACBETH

I am the kingmaker — I am the queen of iron

behind the prince of straw, spinning quiet webs

and laying plans for these fools’ victory.

And I will have my cup overflow with

revenge and the blood of those who have

wronged me.

 

HENRY

Hey — Lady M. I think you spilled some barbecue sauce on your dress. It’s right there….on your sleeve.

 

LADY MACBETH begins to tear at her clothing.

 

LADY MACBETH

Out! Out! Damn–

 

A ravenous bear enters. 

 

EXEUNT all pursued by bear.

 

 

 

Everything is fixed.

 

I’m trying to keep this blog writing-focused, but I’m so excited about this I just have to post it here too. I’ve been directing a production of Jesus Christ Superstar, that opens tomorrow. A good friend put together a video teaser for the show to put up on FB — had to let you guys see it too!